Falling Out With BFF
My daughter has been best friends with a girl she met in kindergarten 10 years ago. Over the last month, they have been getting angry with each other and fighting at school, splitting their social group in half. A friend of theirs started dating one of their classmates and it started a complicated situation between the friends. My daughter and her best friend are fighting and they both have a very different version of events. As their lives are very intertwined, the best friend’s mom called me and we got the girls together to talk. They agreed to accept they had done some things that were not nice and agreed to move on. My daughter is still upset because she said that her best friend lied during the conversation and had indeed done things she said she had not done. My daughter is now crying every day and wants to move schools. Best friend is not speaking to her, giving her dirty looks and she is not answering her messages. I spoke to the best friend’s mom who said that her daughter is at a loss as to why my daughter is angry at her and that we need to work out the problem. I suggested, as I did the last time we talked, that everyone has their own version and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. I gave her my daughter’s version with examples of times she felt ignored or left out and suggested that if we can help them to see each other’s point of view it might help. The mom kept talking over me and telling me that they can not work it out because her daughter does not know why my daughter is angry and that she feels we need to get them together to talk. It feels to me that she has blamed my daughter and that her daughter is not being honest with her. My daughter has admitted to me the things that she has done but has also shown me the message that have been ignored. My daughter is very upset, does not want anything to do with her and wants to move schools. Sadly, they play sports together and I drive them to and from sports.I do not know what to do, how to support her through what is clearly a difficult time and how to manage the pressure from the other mom.
- It sounds like you and the other parent are in the middle of the girls’ conflict. It is understandabal that you are concerned about your daughter’s well being and happiness. As a parent, it is difficult to see your child suffering due to social problems at school.
- Talk to your daughter about forgiveness. If she wants her best friend back she may have to forgive her. If she decides that she cannot forgive her, it is OK to move on and make new friends.
- Time may be necessary. The girls have been best friends for ten years and do everything together. They may just need some time apart to clear their minds and another meeting can be held in a month or two once things cool down. Drama and rumors eventually fade out over time and they may soon even forget what they were originally fighting about. Plus, they may start to miss each other and value their friendship much more.
- Keep her mind off the drama because it sounds like it is stressing her out. Talk to her about surrounding herself with positive friends and you can even help her plan a fun activity such as a sleepover or a girls’ day. She may be surprised that she can enjoy herself with other girlfriends without her best friend.
- Why do you think her best friend is lying to her mother?
- How might seeking out other friends be a good thing for your daughter?
- What if the both of you (the parents) stayed out of it and just let the girls work it out?