I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

I just finished middle school a few weeks ago and I’m thinking about the future. I’m scared of confrontation whether it be getting in trouble, fighting, serious conversations. I lie to get out of things. I keep everything personal bottled up inside me. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. It took me 3 weeks to join a tennis team because I was scared of what the kids would say or think of me. People say I always have a serious or mad expression on my face because I rarely smile in public. I’m self conscious of everything about me. This probably comes from kids talking badly about my appearance because I have a slight deformation in my back.

I’ve lost so many friends not from finishing but from me pushing them away. Every time I hung out with friends, I felt like the pity friend. I understand I probably wasn’t but I feel like I don’t deserve or don’t belong in these friendships. I’ve been spending the last hour thinking of how to confront my best friend of almost 8 years about whether or not we are still friends because this year our friendship has deteriorated so much. I can only think of two things I know about his personal life and both of those are public knowledge. I used to have 27 friends that supported me despite my appearance and now I have 4 decent friends, one of which I met online and knows little to nothing of my real life. I feel like another one has been ignoring me recently and I’m unsure if yet another is even my best friend anymore. I am so lost right now. I just want to stay home all day and be a recluse, not see anyone, not be nervous, possibly play online games where no one judges you for your life. I’m not ready to end summer in two months. I’m not ready to leave my shell. I’m not ready to meet new people. I’m not ready to take the shame of insults and feel so conscious of everyone’s opinion. Thank you for your time.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Sometimes, it feels like the whole world against us. It can really hurt to feel rejected and unwanted. In times like this, it can be easy to feel defeated and to want to hide away. You are so strong for every time you decide to fight and put yourself out there. Know that you deserve every bit of friendship you get and that you deserve to feel loved.
  • While you may be tempted to retreat to the internet and avoid contact with your friends and the public, you may be doing yourself more harm in the end. Confronting people can be very scary, yes, but you will probably lose out on more in life if you avoid everything. Imagine you ask your friends if they enjoy being your friend and they say yes– if you would’ve decided to avoid them, you would’ve missed out on hearing that people like being your friend. Instead, you’d be alone, feeling like no one wants you around. Risking can cause you to lose sometimes, but if you count yourself out and don’t even try, you’ll lose 100% of the time.
  • Pushing people away is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps you feel like people don’t want you around, so you push them away in hopes that they’ll reach out to you. When people don’t reach out, you wrongfully confirm to yourself that you were right– you wrongfully think that people don’t like you. When you isolate yourself like this, it makes it harder to see that people may actually want to be around you. To avoid this, you’ll need to be conscious of your actions. Instead of impulsively pushing people away, take a second to think about your decisions and be aware: “Am I doing something that fosters friendship or am I hurting a perfectly good friendship?”
  • Isolating yourself can make put you in a more negative emotional state, which can exacerbate all the negativity you’re feeling. Though you may be scared to see people right now, feeling lonely can worsen things. You may start to feel unloved, which can then cause you to see yourself in a negative way. It may cause you to think: “No one likes me so why should I like myself?” Sometimes, the best way to heal hurt feelings is to reach out to loved ones– friends or even family. You deserve to feel loved by those around you and feeling loved can help relieve the negativity you’re feeling and help you feel better about yourself.
  • You not only deserve to feel loved by others, you deserve to love yourself. Take some time to do some self care. Make a list of why you like yourself and what is good about you. Take care of yourself by investing some effort and grooming yourself. Sometimes, making a small list of constructive things you want to change about yourself can help you build yourself. For example, maybe you want to be a more generous person, so you make it a goal to volunteer. When you are successful in bettering yourself, you can start to feel better about yourself. Boosting your self esteem can really help you see your life in a better light in general.

HELP YOURSELF:

  • What can you do to strengthen your friendships with people?
  • What can you do to boost your self esteem?
  • What would you like to change about yourself for the better?
  • If you had a friend that pushed you away, how would you want them to mend the friendship?
  • What do you like about yourself?