I Have Self-Harm and Depression Issues

I Have Self-Harm and Depression Issues

Okay, so I’m not one to ask for help, I never have been. I have an “I can fix it, I don’t need help” type of attitude. I always have. I’m 16, in my 11th year of high school and I’ve been feeling pretty sad since 5th grade. Maybe even before this because in 3rd grade I struggled with my weight. But I’m not here to talk about an eating disorder.  I got myself down to “the ideal” weight for my height age and gender (I’m a girl) and I’m happy about that.  I’m still depressed but I’m not clinically diagnosed. Honestly, it’s for no reason. My life is great; nothing really happens for me to be depressed about. Sometimes, I hate it because I feel guilty for being so sad when I have no problems causing this. In 5th grade, I didn’t know what self-harm was, or better yet I didn’t know it was an actual thing. But whenever I would get frustrated I would take the anger out on myself. For example, I’d snap rubber bands on my wrist so much my whole arm would be bruised. In 6th grade, there was this girl who had cuts on her wrists in one of my classes. I didn’t ask about it but I knew what it was. I didn’t think “cat scratch” or it was a fall. I knew exactly what she did. Now that I think about it I should’ve asked, “Are you okay?” or something. But later that day I went home and I was on Youtube. At this time people were putting their depression stories on flash cards and posting them on Youtube. It was a big thing. One was recommended to me and I watched it. It said something about self-harm and I looked that up and saw it was a thing. I’ve been doing that since 5th grade not even knowing. I didn’t tell my parents this because they won’t believe I’m depressed. Everything is “just a phase” for them so I kept it inside. 7th grade was really bad. I never cut my wrists because it’s too noticeable. I’d sometimes cut my upper arm, but most of the scars are on my right thigh. Why was 7th grade so bad? I had an abusive boyfriend. I know that’s kind of like “gee whizz, this girl is kinda dumb!” I know this but I was like 12 or 13 in 7th grade. He was 14 or 15 and in high school. He would tell me that I’m fat and other things. He said nobody could ever love me and other stuff I’d rather not get into. Other days he’d “love me” and I’d let him because I was so low I didn’t want him to leave. This was because I’ve never been in a relationship and I thought I wouldn’t have ever been able to get into another one. But he made my head go to a very dark place and it hasn’t recovered since. I cut myself every night. I’ve been cutting since 6th grade. Now in my 11th year of high school, I still cut. I’ve been about a month clean, which is big for me. I’m hoping on quitting forever. But my brain seems so messed up sometimes the only thing that can calm my thoughts is cutting. I don’t feel emotions except for sadness. If I’m not sad, I’m not feeling. I find this sort of comfort in my pain that many people just don’t understand. It’s a reminder to myself that I’m still living. I absolutely hate when people give me compliments because I feel like I deserve when people are mean to me. That way I’m forced to love myself again. I’m extremely introverted because I’m protecting myself from heartbreak. That’s not solely directed towards relationships but friendships as well. My anxiety has gotten so bad I overthink EVERY situation. My mind will come up with like four different outcomes. I’ll get so nervous and worked up about which one will happen so I don’t do whatever I was going to do. That stinks because I know I’m talented and have a lot of stuff going for me. This is in the way and so is my depression. Some days or weeks I’ll be so happy and just doing everything under the sun. Then the next moment I’m mad, sad, anxious and not wanting to do anything.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Not loving yourself enough and having other serious issues can make you feel overwhelmed and worried about your own well-being. You are strong for making a big effort to help yourself even though you have severe issues.
  • Self-harm and depression can be life-threatening issues. If you need someone to talk to you can head to the Teen Central website, click the Help tab then call one of the hotlines. Another option you have is to speak to a trusted therapist. The right therapist can help you understand what’s wrong with you so you can control your self-harm and depression problems.
  • It’s a shame that your parents aren’t taking you seriously enough. For this reason, you need to be the strong and responsible one. You may also ask a responsible family member if you have one you can trust. Your problems aren’t just a phase. Self-harm, depression and anxiety are serious issues.
  • Knowledge is power. You can educate yourself by going to the Teen Central website and clicking on the Learn tab then Anxiety, Depression and Self Injury. By figuring out what’s wrong with you, you can take the necessary steps to fix the problem.
  • You can learn self-love by treating your body with respect. Also, if others disrespect you, you have the right to stop speaking to them. Your life is important and you deserve to live a life you love with friends who care about you as a person.
  • If you be yourself you’ll feel like you can express your emotions freely. Don’t let others intimidate you from being yourself. This might help end your self-harm issue and calm the depression. By being yourself you can attract the right people into your life.
  • You can be positive by repeating positive affirmations to yourself. You may also write in a daily journal to express your feelings to let them out.
  • You can try volunteering to get your mind off things. Volunteering also has amazing health benefits. You can help out at an animal shelter, a hospital,  at your local library or wherever you desire.
  • At the worst times, a person needs unconditional love. Pets can be comforting in a time of need. You can try adopting a pet from an animal shelter to take care of if you’d like.
  • You can try being more spiritual. This can make life’s difficulties easier to handle and give you a sense of safety. You may go to the Teen Central website and click the Learn tab then Spirituality to learn more. Meditation, yoga and prayer are spiritual techniques you can try. They can be calming and have even changed peoples’ lives for the better. You may also try going to church.
  • Maybe you feel afraid to express your true feelings so you take it out on yourself by using self-harm. This could be because of abuse or bullying from family, friends or others. First of all, you could benefit from staying away from negative people as much as possible no matter who they may be. You may also try expressing your real feelings by doing creative activities such as listening to music, writing, drawing, painting or learning to play a musical instrument.
  • You can try focusing on something else by watching a humorous movie, reading a book or inspiring quotes to get you through the day.
  • Stopping self- harm and healing yourself requires commitment. If you make small efforts each day to be positive you’ll likely make significant progress. You can make a commitment by writing your goals and other positive thoughts in a journal every day.

HELP YOURSELF:

  • In what ways could you have a happier, more positive life if you commit to helping yourself now?
  • If you made a list of all the reasons your life matters, what would it look like?
  • How could your life become more positive if you commit to achieving a goal, doing homework or by joining a school club?