I Just Want to Be Me
I need some advice from you guys. I may not take it, but I feel as if it’s a good idea to at least write this out. Sorry in advance.
So, I’ve been in therapy and on medication for a while, i.e. about 3 years. My brain is now fighting it, telling me that I’m better, even though I still hate myself, self-harm, and starve myself (even though I’m not working on that). I know that this “better” me is just a stupid mask, but I just….I’m fighting waves of resistance towards medication and therapy that I fought so hard to get when I was in high school.
I’m back in college, and I have this happy demeanor that everyone likes, but I can’t be myself around anyone anymore. I’m almost in tears right now. I feel as if I can only be myself when I’m all alone, and now that I’ve got a roommate, I have to keep that happy and bubbly persona up 24/7 and I hate it. I hate that I can’t just relax and be myself in my own dorm. My roommate is sweet, but I feel high strung and anxious around her all the time because she’s an international student and I don’t want to be the one that ruins the states for her, even though everyone else says I couldn’t. I just…I feel like I’m falling apart, but I have to keep up a front so people don’t see that I am falling apart. I have no idea what I’m trying to get at, I just need help. I just don’t want to go to therapy anymore or take medications, but I also know that it’ll help.
I’m just….tired. Again.
- Not being able to be your true self around others can make you feel misunderstood and frustrated. You are wise to seek help and not allow others to completely change you.
- First of all, be yourself. You have the right as a human being to be yourself. This will allow you to live up to your full potential and be a genuine person. By changing yourself, you change your thoughts, personality and actions.
- Just as others have the right to be themselves, you have this same right as an individual.
- Find real friends who like you as your authentic self. They do exist, just be patient. Enjoy being alone for a while. Do activities you enjoy and show your real personality and feelings.
- Be brave because even if it seems like these people like you with your happy demeanor, the sad truth is most of them, if not all, are only using you for your emotions. You give them what they need by being genuine but is it really genuine if you don’t love yourself enough? Be realistic and love yourself because these people are not worth it. Find people that are.
- You selflessly care about the feelings of others. Try finding people who want real help by volunteering. This will realistically satisfy your need to be nice to others. Do research on charity work and organizations to fill this need. Some organizations for good people are Boys & Girls Clubs of America, The Human Society of the United States and if you’re religious, Life Teen, to name a few.
- People who genuinely care about others deserve a more meaningful life and deeper friendships. You’ve earned it, search for a better life with people who also deserve you. Find others who think like you. There are very few sincere people in this world. This is the way everyone should be.
- Don’t let it get you down, the fact of the matter is that the world is cruel. Let this make you a stronger person and take action. Instead of hurting yourself, be kind to yourself and still be kind to others just so you don’t destroy yourself. Be a good example to those whose actions are beneath yours. Continue to do the right thing.
- Try doing artistic activities that encourage individuality like painting, drawing or playing a musical instrument.
- Try living alone but if you have to have a roommate, don’t be afraid to be yourself no matter what. You have the right to enjoy your life in a healthy way. If this person doesn’t like it, they can find another roommate.
- What kind of person will you become and where will this lead you in life if you become someone else?
- Is it okay to destroy yourself by hating yourself, self harm and even starving yourself all for the benefit of other selfish people who want to use you?
- In what ways are you wasting your time, energy and emotions on people who don’t truly value you as yourself and thus as a person?