I’m Destroying Myself

I’m Destroying Myself

I posted this past July but did it from a mobile phone, so I hadn’t seen that it had posted and gotten a response until today. But the advice in the response is still valuable to me. Since the post, I’ve still had EXTREME anxiety per usual, and since school started I’ve been depressed again (I don’t believe it’s because of school, just a timeline to follow). I was clean since around March, I believe, and relapsed a week (give or take) ago. It was six minor cuts on my thigh, which I’ve only ever done one small cut there once and hated it so I stuck to my wrists, but my fear of hiding cuts (especially from family) has increased, so I made the sacrifice. I still have insecurities, but they don’t seem to be focused on my body as much lately, more of just my compatibility with someone of potential interest and my personality in general. We started focusing on team sports in school now and I’m panicking weekly because of it, team games and/or sports have always made me freak out and need to exclude myself. The idea of cutting my arms still seems slightly appealing to me, but I also dislike it because it brings my attention to the extra fat on my forearms and biceps because of the difference in how I have to cut to compensate for that. I’m afraid of letting go of my depression because who am I without it.  I’m a brilliant, wise, mature, good person, but all of that can be found in other places too. My depression is my own. It’s been my home for the past three years and I don’t know where I’d live without it. The same goes for my flashbacks and PTSD related to childhood abuse. Who am I if not a survivor and victim of these things? I’m not assured about myself enough to have the confidence to know that I am more than that, even though I know I am. I don’t ever want to open up to people, yet I talk about my surface level anxiety and depression practically daily. I hate myself so much for that, I hate that I tell people how I’m feeling. I have dreams, I have goals (kind of), I have artistic things I still want to do.  I know all of these things are reasons to stay alive and strive to get better, but I still don’t want to. I don’t want to get better. I want to stay sick. I want there to be something wrong with me. It’s probably got something to do with attention, but then again I guess I might feel more successful rather than angry when someone sympathizes with me. I wish I had someone I could just feel safe around and trust enough to talk for hours about everything I always want to talk about whether it’s personal or not. I feel like no one would ever want to spend more than an hour around me, let alone talk to me for that long. I just want someone who can make feel like I’m not worthless, but I’d never let myself to open up to someone enough to let them take that responsibility. I don’t want anyone to have that responsibility. Anyway- I have to go but if you’ve made it this far thanks for reading and good wishes to you.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Negative thoughts and behavior can make you feel alone and as if life lacks meaning. You are strong for continuing to make an effort to get help even though your issues are making you destroy yourself.
  • Keep persevering through whatever life throws at you and eventually, you’ll find the bright side of life again. You deserve to love yourself and have a real life that includes genuine friends who you can lean on in hard times.
  • You can learn self-love by treating yourself with respect. This means that if someone hurts you, you have the right to stop speaking to them if necessary. Pay attention to your own feelings first without selfish intentions. Keep healthy boundaries by learning to say no and mean it if someone tries to cross you. In place of self-harm, you can do things to respect your body which could include eating healthier foods, exercising regularly and dressing in appropriate clothing that flatters you.
  • Be positive. Repeat positive affirmations to yourself about yourself and your body. Find ways to be grateful for your life because it’s valuable. One way to be more grateful is to write a few things you’re grateful for each day in a journal.
  • Everyone needs a real friend to express their deepest thoughts and feelings without judgment. You can try to find one by doing activities you truly enjoy or try something new. You could try volunteering to bring your life meaning and find like-minded individuals at the same time. Some ways to volunteer are tutoring children, helping out at an animal shelter or helping the environment.
  • Since you feel the need to harm yourself you probably need to let your emotions out in a positive way. You may try expressing your feelings by doing creative activities such as painting, learning a musical instrument or anything you’re heart desires. Writing could help you piece your thoughts together so you don’t feel confused. Everyone is unique in their own way and doing art can help you express your own unique qualities.
  • Since you seem to be searching for something you haven’t quite found, you may be searching for a purpose. One suggestion is to explore spirituality. You can head to the Teen Central website and click the Learn tab then Spirituality to learn more. Committing to spiritual activities such as prayer, meditation or yoga could bring meaning and purpose into your life when you don’t know something is missing.
  • You can gain self-confidence by getting experience in activities that you enjoy and viewing yourself in a positive way. Don’t be afraid to be yourself either.
  • Being more responsible could help you find a distraction from your negative feelings. You may try getting a part-time job, adopting a pet from an animal shelter to take care of or doing chores around the house.
  • Changing your life for the better and fixing your mental health is an ongoing effort and requires a person to be strong in hard times. Giving up will solve nothing. If you commit to a positive state of mind you’ll more than likely see the progress you need to live the life you want.
  • When you learn to love yourself others will learn to care about you as a person.
  • Since you feel the need to vent your feelings you could benefit from speaking to a therapist or counselor you can trust. You may also head to the Teen Central website and click the Help tab to call one of the hotlines.

HELP YOURSELF:

  • In what ways could your present and future be affected if you commit to being positive and getting more help?
  • How can you find other ways to distract yourself from negative thinking so you can focus on being genuinely happy and living a life you enjoy?
  • If you were to make a list of all of your positive traits what would it look like?