I’m Gay and It’s Difficult for Me to Be Myself

I’m Gay and It’s Difficult for Me to Be Myself

I’m queer. I’m so queer and some of the people I love more than anything would never believe that there’s nothing wrong with me because of it. I start crying every time I think about the possibility that when/if I’m married that my wedding may not be between a man and woman which means a lot of my family may not be there. The best example I have of a father in my life is a pastor and he would never marry me and my significant other if i wasn’t a wife and he a husband. I just want to be able to not have to feel like I’m keeping a whole wonderful side of myself from family members that I love and feel like they deserve to know. But they can’t know.. they don’t “believe” in it.. one of them says it’s rebellion against God and the other says it’s a coping mechanism for emotional pain. I’m sure for some it is a way to express emotional distress and I’m sure for some it’s their version of an act of rebellion, but it’s not for me. It’s really not. When I came out to my (real) dad a few years ago his first reaction was to ask me if it had something to do with being molested from the ages of 4-6. When I came out to my mom she essentially told me it was a phase, and to not think about it anymore. I have expressed to my father that I feel predominantly male again recently and he is supportive. My friends have been mostly confused but supportive nonetheless. Almost all of my friends are queer in one way or another, but none of my friends have said anything more than their sexuality, I’m the only one who’s opened up about my gender. No one really seems to pay it attention or “care” besides a couple friends. I understand people not referring to me as anything other than a girl though. I look extremely female and have a very feminine frame. I can’t alter my appearance too much without being afraid of my family suspecting something, so I get that “she” and “her” are the immediate reaction. A couple of days ago my friend said something after school as we were waiting for a ride that absolutely devastated me. (I’m paraphrasing, of course, I don’t remember exactly) He asked me “so, you really want to be a boy?” and I said “yeah, the thing that’s hard for me is that I’m technically genderfluid, not just trans, because 2% of the time I do feel like a girl, but 98% of the time I feel like a boy and I hate my body.” He said “oh” and clicked his tongue to show sympathy, but then he looked at me and said “but you’re so pretty as a girl! and you’d just get made fun of even more if you transitioned because of that 2% of the time you feel female.” That really broke my heart. I hadn’t even told him that if I transitioned I would barely be “masculine” or “manly”. When I picture myself as a boy, I see a soft, sweet feminine boy who still wears traditionally ‘girly’ things. Besides all of the hatred I already have for my body, regardless of what assumed gender it gives, and how impossible it seems to me to ever become who I feel I am inside, hearing my good friend say I’m pretty as a girl and would only be made fun of as a boy broke my heart.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Being different from others can make you feel confused and alone. You are strong to endure the scrutiny and hardships which others force on you even though you’re a unique person.
  • Be yourself. No matter what, everyone finds more satisfaction in life by being themselves. Nobody has the right to tell you who you are. Be brave by not letting anyone change you. By being yourself, you’ll find real friends who love you for who you are, a job you truly enjoy and live the life you’re meant to live.
  • Being molested as a child can cause you serious problems you may not even realize before it’s too late. You may benefit from speaking to a counselor or therapist you can trust.
  • You can find like-minded people who share your values and goals by doing appropriate activities that you enjoy. You can try joining an LGBTQ group online or near you. You could also find volunteer opportunities for the LGBTQ community.
  • Knowledge is power. By learning more about the LGBTQ community you might feel more comfortable with your body and with being yourself. You can read articles and books on the subject or find a positive friend who will help you understand your feelings and yourself better.
  • You can head to the Teen Central website and click the Learn tab, Sexuality then LGBTQ to learn more.
  • Spirituality has the power to help us through hard times. Being gay isn’t aĀ rebellion against God because God loves everyone for themselves. You could be more spiritual by doing meditation, yoga, prayer or attending church services. On the Teen Central website click the Learn tab then Spirituality to learn more.
  • Learn to love yourself by being yourself. This means you should express your emotions in a healthy way. You can try doing artistic activities such as drawing, writing or learning a musical instrument.
  • People who want to put you down for no good reason are cruel and ignorant. You can try only speaking to people who treat like a real human being. There are plenty of people in the world who will value you for your unique qualities and you’ll be happier if you find people who deserve you. You can head to the Teen Central website and click the Learn tab then Bullying to learn more about the subject.
  • Being gay is becoming increasingly accepted by society. This is shown through new laws that are allowing gay marriages in more states. When you want to get married when you’re old enough you can find another pastor who’s qualified for gay marriages. You’re allowed to love who you want to as long as it’s done in an appropriate manner.
  • You don’t deserve to feel bad for being yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. Those who don’t accept you as yourself are ignorant. Try to accept this by being positive and finding people to spend time with who understand you and love you unconditionally.
  • If you need someone to talk to you can head to the Teen Central website and click the Help tab to call one of the hotlines.

HELP YOURSELF:

  • In what ways could your future be altered for the worse if you don’t be yourself now?
  • What other activities can you find to distract yourself from the negative judgment of your family and friends?
  • Can you think of other ways you can be the person you truly want to be?