It’s on a Spectrum

It’s on a Spectrum

I was born biologically female. However, most of my life I have been running from that fact. I was just one of the guys in elementary school. I’d wear sports jerseys and board shorts. I’d play football and basketball on all boys’ teams. I even got an “honorary dude name” from my all-male group. I chose a name that I just thought sounded cool, Marco. Marco became me. I would draw myself as Marco, with chin-length, wavy hair, baseball caps, and football jerseys of my favorite team. However, once I reached middle school, Marco disappeared. I knew not where he went, but he faded away into the mist. Even so, I continued with a masculine appearance, wearing caps (and shoving my hair into them so that it looked shorter) , shorts, loose jeans, mens’ vans, and hoodies (mainly to cover up my chest). I only wore dresses and jewelry when I was forced to and my hair was never done. It didn’t really hit me until 8th grade that I didn’t feel female. Something about my body felt off, like I wasn’t supposed to be in it. Then, I stumbled across the words “androgyne” and ”nonbinary.” I finally could properly grasp what I was feeling. There was a catch. Actually, two. One is that my mom has never felt so keen about my masculine leaning behavior. Whenever I refused to wear the school uniform skirts, my mother would say in a biting tone “Do you just want to be a boy?” More recently, I asked if I could buy a vest and bow tie to wear for jazz band. My mom snapped back with “You can’t go wearing things like that. You’ll look like a boy. You can’t look like a boy. “ Second thing is that I go to a pretty intolerant Catholic school. Kids will blurt out in class “there are only two genders!” I can’t bind in school, much less buy myself a binder. Sometimes I feel really dysmorphic when people call me a girl, but I’m very scared to come out. So far, I’ve come out to four individuals also in the LGBT+ community. I was planning to out myself to everyone during the summer between college and high school. However, that’s three years away and I’m not sure how much of this I can take. Being forced to dress in a feminine way is awful, being known as a girl is terrible, and not being able to express myself the way I want to is torture. I just don’t know what to do.


  • When you can’t be yourself and aren’t always loved for yourself, life can feel stifled and uncomfortable by the opinions of others. You’re self-love and perseverance through this difficult time in your life is admirable.
  • Continue to be yourself no matter what. Everyone deserves to be themselves and live the life they want to live.
  • You’re mother and others may not approve and in reality this may be dangerous. Try to be respectful in their company by not showing off or arguing. Try not to interact with them too much because most people don’t understand how people like you think so they’ll most likely start more trouble with you.
  • If you feel stifled by the feelings and negative opinions of others, find an outlet. Try listening to music, doing art or volunteering. Some great organizations are The Humane Society of the United States, Habitat for Humanity and American Red Cross. There are also organizations for the LGBT community like National Youth Advocacy Coalition and Young Gay America. There’s a good chance you’ll meet people who think like you at these places.
  • Try expressing yourself in healthy ways so you don’t come off as a trouble maker. Some ways are through artistic activities like drawing, writing or playing a musical instrument.
  • On the Teen Central website go to the Learn tab and click Sexuality then LGBTQ for more resources. If you need someone to talk to go to the Help tab and call the Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender National Help Center or the Trans Lifeline.
  • If you need further help talk to a trusted adult or find a therapist you can trust.
  • Practice any religion you’d like and know that you are genuinely loved by a higher being. Even if your mom doesn’t approve, God is bigger than her and she should lower her ego and learn to love you for yourself. It sounds like your mom needs a lesson in learning morals and loving selflessly.


  • Can you think of other healthy ways to express yourself?
  • What are some ways you can benefit from understanding the feelings of others even though they may not deserve it?
  • What are some ways being different from others can benefit you and other peoples’ perceptions of you?
  • What would your future be like if you can’t be yourself?
  • In what ways can you stay firm in your resolve to be yourself?


Entry Id: 325

Submitted on: 2017/11/07 at 6:52 am

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